Snailbites

8. Judge Mathis

7. Work out, but not nearly as hard as you would if were busy

6. Illegally download movies in the morning, then watch them all in the evening

5. Wake up early, eat, shower, sit down at your desk like you’re about to do something important, get distracted and go on Facebook, then take a nap.

4. Youtube television bloopers (gameshows, news broadcasts, sports reporting… hillarious I tell you)

3. ESPN, Page 2

2. Play your musical instrument really really loud

1. Act like you’re retired and play golf with the other senior citizens!

Well, today is Wednesday, aka humpday, aka nothing-good-on-tv-since-Lost-isn’t-on-yet day. So, since Wednesday is such a foreboding, looming tower of nothingness that only serves as our halfway marker between fun, I’ve decided to add some value to an otherwise unceremonious day.

Every Wednesday, I’ll rank something – whatever pops in my head while showering Wednesday morning. Suggestions are always welcome. I’ll even add a new category called Top 8s where they will all be conveniently stored.

On this gloomy, rainy day here in the Manhattan/Newark suburbs, I’ll be ranking the top 8 fast food places in New Jersey. Note the New Jersey distinction. In-N-Out, Dicks, Taco Burrito King, etc… would easily flood the top of this list, but unfortunately we don’t have those. We don’t even have Jack In the Box! Boo! But oh do we still have great establishments.

So without further ado, I present to you…

Top 8 Fast Food Places (in New Jersey).

#8 — Quiznos

Yays: Sandwiches taste so good, meals are well put together, and the condiments are fantastic!
Nays: So not enough food for the price.
Verdict: Food is so good, but price is so bad. I save you for special days.

#7 — Wendy’s

Yays: Dollar menu.
Nays: Burgers and Chicken Sandwiches are almost always dry without fail.
Verdict: Alot of people swear by Wendy’s, but I only go here when I have like a couple bucks left. I still spend like $5 at the dollar menue and the value meals just don’t do it for me.

#6 — White Castle

Yays: Clam Strips and Crave Case at 4am.
Nays: Bubbly stomach and the runs at 5am.
Verdict: The perennial all star with a bad kickback. It’s the Allen Iverson of fast food.

#5 — Roy Rogers

Yays: Fried chicken at it’s best. Tastes like someone’s making it from scratch in the back.
Nays: There’s 1 in Livingson Mall, 1 near the Vicente’s old house, and 234958204 on I-95. Who can find this place?!
Verdict: Luckily for me the Roy’s in the mall is still open. Unfortunately the lack of other locations bumps it down alot.

#4 — Burger King

Yays: Fast Food’s hidden treasure – a side of onion rings with Zesty sauce.
Nays: The menu never seems to change!
Verdict: Flame broiled patties and a huge refillable drink for $5, this place is so underrated. The King also has great commercials.

#3 — Popeyes

Yays: Cajun sparkle.
Nays: Meals are about a dollar pricier than the competition.
Verdict: Nothing makes a household meeting, assembly, or family party happier than a box of Popeye’s. And nothing makes a Snailbiter happier than Cajun Sparkle on a tray of popcorn shrimp and onion rings. For a real treat, try the Mardis Gras cheesecake.

#2 — KFC

Yays: The Colonel’s 11 Herbs and Spices are like a good set of irons – they’re predictable, reliable, and they get the job done!
Nays: Food can be overcooked if you go during rush hour, but doesn’t hinder the taste.
Verdict: Back in the 80′s, you could a 2 piece chicken a side and a biscuit for 4 bucks. Last month I got a 2 piece chicken, a side and a biscuit for 4 bucks. People sleep on KFC, not sure why. But it’s been a fast food workhorse for years.

#1 — McDonalds

Yays: You’re reading this and you already know your order.
Nays: None. (except the prices at the Route22/Union restaraunt)
Verdict: Before McDonald’s, there was no fast food. McDonald’s took the assembly line and applied it to burgers. Hence a legend was born. You can get a Big Mac in 110 countries. Happy meal is synonymous with any fast food kid’s meal. Kids call any small, breaded, fried piece of chicken a “McNugget”. The deals are always super cheap, fries always good (fresh or not), and the food is without a doubt going to taste exactly like you would expect it to. This is why McDonald’s will always be king.

Honorable Mention

Subway
Nathan’s
Sbarro’s

We get the commercials for them at least…?

Sonic’s (this would be #1 if we had in our area!)

Not quite fastfood, but so good!

Boston Market
Panera
Pollo Loco

New kids on the block

they’ll be there next year.
Chipotle
5 guys

Not even close

Taco Bell
Pizza Hut/Papa Johns/ Dominos

Hungry now, ya mess?! There’s my list. Disagree…? Let the debating begin!

The community is crazy right now.

So, in lieu of recent events, I’ve decided to post what I feel is the “Top 10 Most Overused Phrases of Full Time Workers.”

10. “…so when you go fulltime…”
9. “Tell me stories!”
8. “luvmecuzim______”
7. “I’ll talk to him…”
6. “Did you get my email? I forwarded you the ____.”
5. (other FTWs) “I’m not exactly sure…. Ask Ray.”
4. (Ray’s response)“Let us continue to pray.”
3. “Hmm… pray about it.”
2. “Let us be of the correct posture…”
1. “Yes Tito/Tita! Ok thank you I’ll get right on it!”

That’s from my point of view! Did I get it right…?

as anyone who’s ever been on the phone with me knows, i hate driving in dc/md/va. hate it. its not that the traffic is that bad. i mean its bad, but its not chicago. its not that the roads are bad. i mean, theyre bad but its not newark. the fact is, people in dc just absolutely cannot drive. they can’t. and i hate it.

so in keeping with the old addage, “if you can’t beat em, join em”, ive prepared a list of 10 tips that will help you fit into the dc driving scene. follow them, and you’ll even more thoroughly enjoy your tour of chocolate city’s hershey highways!

1. if you need to switch lanes, DO NOT AT ANY TIME use your signal. it will only confuse yourself and those around you. the proper action is to simply turn into the next lane without looking.

2. if your car breaks down, leave it. pull over to the side of the road and leave it there forever. someone will be by shortly to place a bright orange sticker on your vehicle. it will remain there for 3 months.

3. right lanes are always the passing lanes. left lanes are for driving 10 mph under the speed limit, no matter what the posted limit is. even if its 10.

4. if someone signals and passes in front of you for any reason, no matter how close or far they are from your vehicle, get mad. they have no right to be in front of you at any time. pass them on the right, then cut them off, the whole while staring menacingly at the other driver.

5. roll your window up by the naval research facility. it stinks.

6. always use your cellphone when making turns, backing up, parking, k-turning, or coming off a ramp onto a highway. do not pay attention to the road or other drivers. do not use an earpiece, they are illegal.

7. proper driving position for drivers is recine the drivers seat so it rests against the rear passengers back seat. your right arm should be stiff, and contact the steering wheel at the 11 o’ clock postion. your head should be just barely visible (2-3″) above the drivers window. be sure to wear an oversized baseball cap to cover your appearance. acceptable teams are the redskins, wizards, and nationals.

8. you always have the right of way. if someone is exiting onto the highway, do not let them in. they have no right to be on your road.

9. there was an unmarked police car speed trap on 295 around the merge to 495, south of DC. the car is no longer there, but slow down to 10mph anyway. an imaginary police chopper may come from the sky and commandeer your vehicle.

10. slow down to 15 mph when approaching any flashing squad car lights or accident. gape intensely at the scene until you figure out what happenned. ignore they other cars behind you. they are not important. if a cop has pulled someone over on the side of the road, slow down to 30 mph below the speed limit. you may magically get pulled over also.

some further general advice. do not drive around dc in the new york avenue area. you will die. also do not drive around baltimore north of inner harbor by the row houses. you will die. if you are from virginia, you must drive faster than all the other drivers in our state in your convertable or luxury suv, and look annoyed when one of our uncivilized drivers does not give you the right of way (refer back to rule 4).

this is not a complete list. it is constantly changing and being updated. suggestions are welcome.